


Say Something

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay Sex, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Old Roads Lead to Spirk, Past Relationship(s), Songfic, Spirk Fic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-08 07:31:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1932111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk uses sex with Hendorff to get over his love for Spock, but something tragic opens both their eyes, but it might be too late.</p><p>Remember...all paths lead eventually to K/S</p><p>The time Kirk spends with Hendorff is brief and rather one-sided. This is a Spirk fiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Kirk followed Hendorff down the corridor after they’d returned from being planet-side. “Lieutenant Hendorff, you want to tell me what the hell happened down there?”

“It’ll be in my report, _Captain_ ,” Hendorff said over his shoulder, walking away from Kirk.

“I’m asking now, Lieutenant,” Kirk bit out.

Hendorff turned on Kirk, facing him, his face red and angry. “I had to save your ass, that’s what happened. I had to save your ass _again_. I lost two men—two good men—who were my _friends…_ in order to save _you_. And I’m fucking pissed.”

“If you can’t do your job—”

“I can do my job, Captain,” Hendorff said, slamming Kirk against the bulkhead. His fingers grabbed Kirk’s jaw. “You’re still alive, aren’t you, Farm Boy?”

“You’re out of line, Lieutenant.” Kirk’s heart beat sped up, thundering against his ribs.

“Am I?” Hendorff’s other hand slid down between their bodies and squeezed Kirk’s crotch. “How about now, Farm boy? Am I out of line now?”

Kirk gasped. “What are you doing?”

“You know _exactly_ what I’m doing.” His teeth sunk into Kirk’s bottom lip. His hand moved from Kirk’s jaw to his skull. Hendorff threaded his fingers in the blond tresses there, tugging. “And I think you want it, too, don’t you, Farm Boy?”

Kirk opened his mouth to protest, but then Hendorff thrust his tongue inside stopping the words even before they could form. He shouldn’t moan, shouldn’t enjoy this, but he couldn’t deny his arousal. Hendorff could certainly feel it as he continued to squeeze Kirk’s cock through his uniform pants.

Hendorff broke the kiss to suddenly shove Kirk to his knees in front of Hendorff’s crotch. He pushed Kirk’s face into the cloth covered bulge and Kirk opened his mouth, sucking it through the material.

“Yes,” Hendorff said, his voice rough. “More.” He reached down and undid the snap and zipper on his pants, pulled his dick out and slapped it against Kirk’s cheek. “Suck me. _Captain_.”

 Kirk surprised himself by eagerly opening his mouth and sucking in the security guard’s long, thick cock. It was salty, musky, but not unpleasant. Hendorff groaned and pushed himself down Kirk’s throat. His fingers held onto Kirk’s head as he continued to feed himself into Kirk’s mouth. His groans got louder, deeper, until he abruptly pulled out and yanked Kirk to his feet.

Kirk found himself turned and shoved against the bulkhead. Hendorff’s big hands kneaded Kirk’s ass, and then his pants were yanked down and a loud slap could be heard in the quiet corridor as Hendorff’s hand hit Kirk’s left cheek with a stinging slap.

And then it was Hendorff dropping to his knees. He spread Kirk’s ass cheeks, and then slipped his tongue into Kirk’s hole.

Oh, God, what was he letting happen? He shouldn’t let Cupcake…shouldn’t let…

“Fuck,” Kirk moaned as Hendorff generously lathered him with his tongue, jabbing into Kirk’s hole again and again until Kirk’s legs quivered. His cock was impossibly hard. He should really put a stop to this. His breath hitched as Hendorff’s hot tongue was suddenly gone and Hendorff stood, pressing Kirk hard against the corridor wall.

Hendorff didn’t say anything, just spread Kirk’s cheeks and shoved his dick inside. Kirk tensed at the intrusion, the burn. Not enough slick, saliva was a poor substitute for lube. He inhaled sharply.

“We both know you like it rough, Farm Boy,” Hendorff growled, close to his ear. His hot breath fanned the bare skin there and Kirk shivered. But he’d stopped for a moment, letting Kirk adjust to having Hendorff fill him.

A big, hot hand curled around the back of Kirk’s neck, pushing Kirk’s head down so that he was forced to look at the floor. Forced to submit.

“You better be ready, because I am.” Hendorff started moving, thrusting, pounding hard inside Kirk. While his one hand held onto Kirk’s neck, his other hand now gripped Kirk’s cock, the fingers gliding up and down, over and over, pulling heavy pants from Kirk’s lungs. His ass was taking a rough beating, he’d be sore later, but Kirk figured that’s exactly what Cupcake intended.

Hendorff’s thrusts sped up. They were faster, harder, deeper…almost punishing in their intensity. Each time the security guard’s cock slammed into him it rubbed his prostate, sending a thrill up his spine. He was close, so close, and so was Cupcake. The grip on his neck tightened at the same time as the fingers on his dick grasped harder, more insistent.

“Jesus,” Kirk breathed out, unable to hold his orgasm back a moment longer. Cum splattered his fingers and the wall he was shoved against. With a guttural sort of grunt, Hendorff tensed behind him and emptied himself inside Kirk.

For a moment, neither of them moved. Hendorff leaned against him, shoving him harder still into the wall, breathing heavy. He was pressed close, his hot breaths fanning over Kirk’s neck. To anyone coming by it would seem almost as though Hendorff was embracing him.

Finally he pulled out and moved away. Kirk gave himself a few seconds to catch his breath, then he straightened and pulled his pants back up and put himself to rights. A shower would definitely be in order. When he turned around Hendorff had already righted himself and was staring at him, his expression gruff, almost insolent. He pushed Kirk out of the way and then used a cloth to wipe the evidence from the corridor wall.

Hendorff then began to walk back down the corridor toward the end where the turbolift was. “I’ll send my report to you, sir.” 

“Sure.” Kirk licked his lips. “Sorry about your friends, Lieutenant.”

Hendorff paused. Almost turned around, but didn’t. “Yeah,” he said hoarsely. “If I had to do it all over again…I’d still fucking save you.”

And then he was gone.

****  

Hendorff kept his eye on the captain’s backside as he walked in front of him on Ridia. He’d been charged with watching Kirk’s back, so he saw no reason not to watch Kirk’s ass. He had a fine one in Hendorff’s opinion. One of the finest in Starfleet and Hendorff had had his fair share.

Of course this particular ass had to be on an arrogant son of a bitch. Smirky Kirk. Or Smirky Kirky. Hendorff snorted to himself. Reckless and smug, James Kirk knew exactly how hot he was. He used his smoking hotness to manipulate those around him, Hendorff included.

“You might want to slow down…sir.” He’d added the sir with a touch of sarcasm.

Kirk looked over his shoulder and smirked. “Why is that, Lieutenant?”

“So I can see what danger is in front of you. You don’t want to step on a landmine do you? That might ruin your pretty face.”

Kirk stopped and rolled his eyes. “If I stepped on a landmine, I think it would blow me to smithereens.”

“I’d think you wouldn’t want that either, Captain.”

“No.” He sighed and looked around. “God, this place is boring.”

“It doesn’t help being separated from the others,” Hendorff said. “Did you try your communicator again?”

“Still doesn’t work,” Kirk said.

“Maybe we should do something to relieve your boredom… _sir_.”

Kirk’s eye brows shot up. “What? Here?”

Hendorff shrugged. “I don’t see anyone else around. Or anything else for that matter.” He inclined his head toward a nearby tree with a large trunk. “There’s the perfect spot for you to brace yourself while I fuck your brains out.”

Kirk snorted. “You think so, huh?”

“If you’d rather wrap your legs around my waist while I fuck you, that’s fine too.”

“You’re so sure of yourself. What makes you think I want you to fuck me anyway?”

Hendorff laughed. “You want it, Captain. We both know you do. And the longer you hesitate, the more chance that the others will find us. What’s it gonna be?”

“You really are insubordinate.” But Kirk walked over to the tree Hendorff had indicated, just as Hendorff knew he would. The more he fucked Kirk, the more Kirk wanted it. Hendorff too, for that matter. He didn’t want to admit it, but damn he did. And damn just watching Kirk approach the tree made Hendorff hard enough to pound nails.

Kirk braced his hands against the tree trunk and Hendorff reached around Kirk’s waist to undo the captain’s pants. He yanked down the uniform pants and Kirk’s black briefs to his knees. For a moment, Hendorff rested his big hand on a pale white, rounded cheek, but then he couldn’t resist the temptation and he slapped it hard.

Kirk inhaled sharply but didn’t protest, so Hendorff slapped the other cheek. Fuck, Hendorff was so fucking hard.

He undid his own uniform pants and pushed them to his knees. He stroked his cock along the crease of Kirk’s ass, drawing a moan from his captain. Hendorff slipped his hand into the pocket of his pants and removed the small tube of lube he kept there. More and more he’d cornered Kirk somewhere on the ship or a planet for sex, so he now came prepared.

Hendorff squirted out enough lube to first coat his cock, then he shoved two large fingers between Kirk’s cheeks. Kirk moaned and pushed back into Hendorff’s probing fingers.

“Damn,” Kirk said, sounding short of breath. “Fuck. Do it.”

“Already?” Hendorff murmured.

“Yes, yes, just do it.”

“Is that an order, Captain?”

“God, yes, fuck me.”

Hendorff withdrew his fingers and pushed his dick inside Kirk. The slick noise of him slipping into the tight hole sounded loud in the planet’s stillness. Ramming hard and fast into his captain ass, Hendorff’s fingers grasped the captain’s hair and pulled his head back roughly as Hendorff said into Kirk’s ear, “You’re so fucking tight. So good.”

He loved the smell of Kirk, loved the taste, and he sure as hell loved the tight channel clenching his dick. With his other hand he reached around Kirk and wrapped his fist around Kirk’s cock.

“Ungh,” Kirk groaned, then hissed as Hendorff pulled his hair again.

He knew he wasn’t going to last. The pace was too hard, too frantic, and the captain too hot. And he was mindful of where they were, there would be no slowing down and taking their time. Maybe later when they were back on the ship, Hendorff would make a report in Kirk’s quarters.

“Fuck.” Hendorff’s balls drew tight and as he pounded into Kirk’s ass again and again, he roared his release and came inside him. Kirk shook underneath him and then came himself, coating Hendorff’s fingers.

They had barely righted themselves when Kirk’s communicator beeped.

Kirk flipped it open. “Kirk here.”

“Captain? We have restored communications. Are you and the lieutenant ready to beam up at your current coordinates?” Spock asked.

Kirk glanced at Hendorff and smirked. “Yeah, Spock. We’re ready. Kirk out.”


	2. Reporting to the Captain

Hendorff made his way down the deck toward the officer’s quarters. Not for the first time he wondered if he were truly the big dopey idiot lots of people thought he was. Time and again he put himself through this pain, this hurt, for what? A few minutes of great sex while pretending not to see the vacant look in his lover’s eyes.

Some people assumed he didn’t have feelings or something. That he couldn’t be hurt. It was bullshit. He hurt every fucking day.

He paused a few feet from Captain Kirk’s quarters as Commander Spock stepped out. Hendorff clenched his fists.

Spock looked at him. “Lieutenant.”

“Commander.”

“Is there something I can assist you with?” Spock asked, arching a brow.

“No, sir. I have business with the captain.”

“Indeed? Then I will leave you to it.” Spock walked down the opposite end of the corridor to the turbolift.

Hendorff waited until the turbolift doors closed before he went to press the button to enter the captain’s quarters.

“Enter.”

Hendorff stepped inside to see the captain behind his desk. His blond hair was mussed and there was a faint pink tinge to his cheeks. In front of him was a glass of alcohol. His blue eyes lifted and gazed at Hendorff. He tensed, waiting for the shuttered, vacant look Kirk usually gave him. When it didn’t come, Hendorff wondered if he had the alcohol to thank for the warmth there.

“I saw Spock,” Hendorff said, thinking he should say something.

Kirk smirked and took a swallow of his drink. “Yeah, he had a report to give me. He’s got a date with Uhura or something.”

Hendorff heard the bitterness in Kirk’s voice and not for the first time he wanted to slam his fist into the bulkhead in frustration. He was all too aware of his captain’s interest in Spock. Kirk’s eyes were almost always on Spock, watching his every move. Hendorff recognized it because his own were always on Kirk, with likely the same desperate want never fulfilled.

“Maybe I can distract you from thinking of him,” he suggested to Kirk.

This time he got a genuine smile from Kirk and his breath caught. The man was too beautiful, really. His heart ached at the sight of that smile which was so very rarely aimed at him.

Kirk downed the rest of his drink and got up from behind his desk to stand in front of Hendorff.

If all those years ago when he first met Kirk in the bar in Riverside someone had told Hendorff he would have this almost desperate unfulfilled longing for the man, Hendorff would have scoffed. But here he was trying not to give into fantasies that Kirk actually cared about him. He knew better. He was a mere sexual release for his captain. Kirk didn’t do relationships.

He should just give up, just realize this would never go anywhere, never become what he so desperately wanted. Kirk would never feel anything for someone he still derisively referred to as _Cupcake_.  But telling himself to walk away, to put an end to this, was easier than acting on it.

He took a step toward Kirk and gripped the back of Kirk’s neck, tilting his head back just a little so he could smash his lips over his captain’s. Hendorff had never given a damn about kissing until he started kissing Kirk. Now he could hardly get enough. It intoxicated him. And how fucked up was that?

His captain’s rich laugh curled his toes. “How fucked up is what?”

Shit, he’d said that out loud? Instead of answering, he sucked Kirk’s lip into his mouth, scraping his teeth across the plumpness. This is what he wanted. This was what he craved. He wished he could have it every damn night instead of the scraps Kirk gave to him. Hendorff growled and pushed Kirk toward the bed.

If he could have nothing else of the man, Hendorff could at least have Kirk’s willing writhing body beneath him. If that was all he would get, maybe he could pretend it was enough.

When the back of Kirk’s knees hit the mattress, Hendorff reached for the hems of Kirk’s uniform shirts and yanked them off in a swift movement. There was nothing particularly gentle or sensual about Hendorff and he accepted this. But sex with Kirk had always been rough, dirty, desperate.

Hendorff wrenched his own shirts off and let them fall to the floor next to Kirk’s. He pushed Kirk down onto his back, covering his lips with his own, biting and sucking.

He ripped at the fastenings of Kirk’s pants, not caring at all that he tore them, in fact he loved the sound of the material tearing. Judging by the captain’s moan and glazed look, he liked it too.

Kirk rose enough to yank his own boots off and Hendorff took care of his and his own pants before pulling the captain’s ruined pants and briefs off, leaving him naked to Hendorff’s  gaze.

“Fuck,” he groaned and grabbing a hunk of Kirk’s hair, he kissed him hard, hungry.

This was a rarity, naked and on a bed. Hendorff preferred these rare nights above all. Most of the time it was quick, against the wall. So now he took his time, mapping every inch of his captain’s bare skin with his hands.

“Fuck, God, yes,” Kirk panted. “Fuck me.”

Hendorff reached for the lube kept near the bed and slicked up his cock. Then he squeezed out an abundant amount of lube and shoved his fingers into Kirk’s ass.

“Harder,” Kirk urged. “Do it harder. I want it to hurt. Come on.”

Hendorff obliged, sawing his fingers in and out of Kirk until his own cock was so hard he couldn’t stand it. He withdrew his fingers, lifted Kirk’s legs and shoved into his ass balls deep with one long thrust.

He rode his captain deep, rough, panting heavily. Kirk’s fist wrapped around his cock and his jerks were sloppy, messy, and such a turn on as he bit his bottom lip, that Hendorff lost it, ramming Kirk’s ass with such force he thought they might break the regulation bed.

“Uhh,” Kirk gasped, thrashing beneath him. And then cum splattered across Kirk’s fist and over his stomach and Hendorff felt his own balls tighten in response. 

“God damn,” he groaned, pouring himself into Kirk’s tight, gripping ass.

It was only a minute after Hendorff pulled out that Kirk sat up and then got out of bed. Hendorff turned onto his back and watched as Kirk reached down to pick up his discarded clothes.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” Kirk said over his shoulder and then disappeared into the bathroom.

Hendorff knew that was his cue to leave. His captain expected him to be gone out of his quarters by the time he got out of his shower. He’d never explicitly said that but Hendorff knew very well what he meant. Kirk did not cuddle. Hendorff didn’t either. Or he hadn’t with any other guy he slept with. Kirk never even gave him the chance.

Hendorff rose from the bed and pulled on his clothes and sat down to put his boots back on. For a moment he just sat there. He really should just give up on this stupid love he had for Kirk. The captain was so out of his league and they both knew it. 

He stood and almost against his will went to the bathroom door. He rested his hand on it, and then with a shake of his head at his own foolishness, he turned and exited the captain’s quarters.   


	3. An End

Kirk was due to meet Bones in the mess for breakfast. He had a hell of a headache, though. The kind that made him see spots before his eyes. He didn’t want to say anything to Bones because he knew his friend would want to hypospray him and he was already sore from his night with Hendorff.

As soon as he stepped into the mess room he saw them. Spock and Uhura. They sat in the far corner and at a cozy little table for two. Uhura had her hand on his and she was petting it. Only way of describing the way she stroked her fingers all along Spock’s hand.

Kirk’s breath hitched and his heart constricted, his steps faltering.

“Hey, Jim, sorry I’m late,” Bones said, coming up behind him. “What—” Bones followed Kirk’s gaze. “Jim, you can’t let it get to you.”

“I-I’m not.”

“The hell you aren’t. It’s written all over your face. You look like a puppy that’s just been kicked.”

Kirk swallowed the lump in his throat. “I hate this.”

Bones squeezed his shoulder. “I know. You wanna go have breakfast in my office instead?”

Did he? He sure didn’t want to sit here watching them Vulcan kiss right the fuck in plain view.

“Jim?”

He blinked, tore his gaze away from the loving couple in the corner and turned to Bones with a strained smile. “You know what? I’m not really hungry. I’m just going to the bridge.

****

“Captain, I’m getting a distress signal,” Uhura announced.

“From?”

Uhura frowned. “I’m not sure.”

Kirk rose from his chair and went to her station. “Play it.”

“Aye, sir.”

We…are under…attack. They came unexpectedly. We…held them off as much as we could…too much. Please help.”

Kirk frowned. “Spock, what planet is nearest to our present position?”

“Narvent 4, Captain,” Spock replied.

“Contact Narvent 4, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Kirk returned to his chair. “Mr. Chekov, plot a course for Narvent 4.”

“Aye, Keptin.”

“There’s no response, Captain,” Uhura responded.

“Keep trying.”

“Course set, Keptin.”

He nodded. “Warp factor 4, Sulu.”

****

Spock followed him into the turbolift. “I request to go with you, Captain.”

“I already told you, you have the command.”

“I still request to go with you. Commander Scott—”

“No,” Kirk said through gritted teeth. “You are not coming, Spock. And that’s my last word on this.”

“May I ask why?”

“Because I’m the fucking captain, that’s why.” He pointed to his sleeve. “These stripes give me the right to make the damn decisions on this ship and that’s what my order is.”

The turbolift doors opened and he stepped out. Spock grabbed his arm. “I request you take Lieutenant Hendorff with you then.”

“I don’t need you to tell me who to take with me.”

“Captain—”

“Fine, Spock. Hendorff is coming.”

Kirk walked away from his first officer and went to the transporter room. He’d already intended to have Hendorff come with him. He always brought Hendorff because he was the best damn security officer he had.

Hendorff, a couple of other security guards, Bones, and Dr. Marcus were already waiting for him. Kirk stepped up onto the transporter pad.

“Energize.”

They appeared on a barren, vacant wasteland. No signs of anything.

Dr. Marcus had her tricorder out.

“Life signs, Carol?” Kirk asked.

“Faint, Captain,” she replied. “In that direction.” She pointed.

Kirk nodded. “Okay, let’s go. Phasers on stun and everyone be careful.”

They’d gone no more than a few steps when Kirk heard a weird buzzing, almost bee-like and it was getting louder and louder. Frowning he lead the way through a throng of trees and—

“Jim!” Hendorff yelled.

Kirk saw an alien that looked very bee-like except that he stood on legs and was as big as a human aim some projectile weapon at him. And then it occurred to Kirk that just like that all his pain, all his torment could be over. Just one shot by this alien and it would be over. So he didn’t move. He’d had time, yeah, but he didn’t move.

“Jim?” Bones asked, sounding confused. “Jim! Move!”

And then Kirk was shoved aside at the last second before the projectile hit him by Hendorff and with a pained gasp, Hendorff dropped to the ground.

Kirk pulled his phaser and fired rapidly at the aliens in the clearing just as the other two security guards, Bones, and Dr. Marcus did.

When the aliens were unconscious on the ground, Kirk knelt beside Hendorff. Bones was already examining him. He looked at Kirk and slowly shook his head.

His heart in his mouth, Kirk gripped Hendorff’s shoulders. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Hendorff laughed but it came out all raspy and wet sounding. “Not this time, Captain.”

“Yeah, you listen. Hendorff, we’re gonna beam you up. Bones will fix it.”

Hendorff shook his head, his eyes glazed with pain. “Do you even know my first name?”

Kirk clutched him, his heart slamming in his chest. He tried to make himself speak but words wouldn’t come out. Finally, he said, “You can’t do this. You can’t. Don’t die for me.”

“Anywhere…I would have followed you.” Hendorff’s breath shuttered and then he stared straight ahead unseeing.

“Gerald,” Kirk whispered. “Your name is Gerald. Was.” He bowed his head.   


	4. Realization

Kirk stared at the body of the man who used to be Gerald Paul Hendorff. He’d been moved to the medbay. Bones was going to examine him to determine exactly what alien technology killed him.

With additional forces, they’d managed to stop the alien invasion of Narvent 4 but much of the citizenry had been decimated.

“Jim.” Bones laid his hand on Kirk’s arm. “Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?”

Kirk blinked and looked at Bones. “How-how did you know? I didn’t tell anyone.” And why hadn’t he? Had he been ashamed of being with Hendorff?

“Jim, you’re my best friend. There isn’t much I don’t know about you.”

Kirk looked back at Hendorff. “I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him to die for me.”

“He felt differently,” Bones said gently.

This was his fault. If he’d just moved when Hendorff called his name.

Bones studied him. “Jim, you’re off duty for the next twelve hours. I’ll reevaluate then.”

Kirk nodded, reached out and touched Hendorff’s hand. “I’m sorry.”

Then he left the medbay and went to the turbolift. Just as he stepped in, Spock entered.

“Not now,” he mumbled.

“Captain?”

“Look, Spock, Bones has me off duty for the next twelve hours, so you have the conn. I’m going to my quarters.”

“I wished to apologize.”

Kirk closed his eyes. “For what?”

“If my suggestion that you bring Lieutenant Hendorff in any way contributed to—”

“It didn’t,” Kirk said. The turbolift door opened and Kirk headed down the corridor. Spock followed.

When he reached his quarters, he turned to and put his hand on Spock’s chest. “Go away.”

Spock stared at him. “What?”

Kirk exhaled very slowly. “I can’t stand to look at you right now, Spock. So, please, just…just go away. Leave me alone.”

“Captain—”

“ _Enough_. Shit,” Kirk swore. “Go the fuck away.”

He punched in his code and stepped into his quarters, relieved when the doors whooshed closed behind him. He entered his highest captain’s code to lock it and dropped to the floor his quarters. He buried his face in his hands and let the sobs wrack his body.

****

Kirk tried to sleep once he’d picked himself up off the floor, but his dreams were troubled, haunted by images of himself with Hendorff, sometimes just doing their duties, sometimes more intimate. But he couldn’t stand to sleep any longer, so he rose and made his way to Hendorff’s quarters.

He wasn’t sure what drew him there, he’d never gone there during their entire…affair? Hookup? Relationship? He wasn’t sure what to call it. He coded in is captain’s override and stepped inside when the door slid open.

It was dark.

“Computer lights to eighty percent.”

The lights came on.

His bed hadn’t even been made since last he’d slept there, Kirk noted, a horrible reminder that Hendorff had been alive that very morning.

The room smelled of Hendorff. He’d worn a spicy sort of cologne that was just pleasant enough to sense but not overwhelming enough to be obnoxious. His quarters smelled of it. Just a faint scent.

Kirk sat at Hendorff’s desk and stared at the coffee mug that still lay there. He traced his fingers over the handle.

How was it possible someone he’d just spent the night with was now gone? Not the night. Hendorff had left when Kirk went to take a shower. He never lingered, never seemed to want to stay behind, and Kirk hadn’t pressed it. Hendorff had never been the most demonstrative of Kirk’s lovers. Kirk figured that was the way Hendorff had wanted it. To keep the space between them.

And maybe Kirk had wanted that too a little. He’d been so blind with love for Spock, who didn’t love him, he’d never even really given Hendorff a chance.

 _Gerald_.

Why hadn’t he told Gerald he knew his name before he died? That was gonna haunt him forever.

The terminal was flashing, so without really even thinking about it, Kirk brought the screen up and quickly saw that Hendorff had been writing an electronic mail to his parents. And that was something else. He’d never had to tell one of his lover’s parents their child was dead before.

Almost as though he couldn’t help himself, Kirk started reading.

_Hi Mom and Dad,_

_Hope this note finds you both well._

_Things are going the same as usual on the Enterprise. Can’t really complain. I like security work and seeing new planets and exploring space is what I always wanted to do._

_Mom, in your last note you asked if I was still seeing Jim and the answer is yes. I know what your advice was and I appreciate it, I do, but I can’t seem to help myself. I didn’t intend when I started out with him to get so emotionally involved, but now I am and I can’t make myself stay away. I’ve tried. Maybe someday I can, but now? I guess I still have a little hope that he’ll forget the other guy he thinks he loves and realizes it’s me he loves. I know it’s stupid and hopeless, but that last bit of hope hasn’t died yet._

_I’m supposed to go down on a planet with him right now. We got a distress signal so I‘ll finish this later._

And that was it. The end of it.

Kirk couldn’t breathe. The ache in his heart, the tears clogging his throat made it nearly impossible.

God damn, he was a heartless fucking bastard. How could he have been so fucking blind to what he was doing to Gerald? Kirk could be so selfish sometimes and he hated himself for it.

Right now he really fucking hated himself.

“I’m sorry, so sorry,” he whispered around the lump making it impossible to swallow.

Gerald had deserved better. And Kirk was a fool.


	5. A Kiss

Kirk didn’t really know how long he’d stayed crying in Hendorff’s quarters, but he knew he couldn’t yet go back to his own. So instead of going back there, he went to engineering.

“Captain?” Scotty said, upon seeing him. “You don’t look so good.”

“I’m not so good, Scotty.” Kirk sat. “You don’t happen to have any of your scotch handy, do you?”

“Aye, sir.” Scotty went behind a panel and pulled out a bottle. “Not that I drink on duty or anything.”

Kirk smiled. “I won’t report you to the captain.” He uncapped it and took a large swallow. It burned going down his throat, but he didn’t care.

“What’s going on, Jim?”

He shook his head. “I’m just…you think you know everything, you know, and then you find out you don’t really know anything. Not at all.”

“Okay.”

Kirk took several more swallows and offered it to Scotty.

Scotty shook his head. “I think you need it more than I do.”

“Ever been responsible for someone else’s death?”

“Excuse me?”

Kirk sighed. “I mean, I’m the captain, so I’m responsible for everyone’s really, but I mean directly. And for someone you cared about. And someone you should have cared more about.”

Scotty studied him. “Are you talking about Lieutenant Hendorff?”

“Yeah.” Kirk downed some more scotch. “We were…we were…we had sex. Sometimes.”

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry, Jim.”

“No one really knew, because that’s all it was to me. I didn’t really want anyone to know.” He shrugged. “Now I can’t even really think why.”

“He died saving you, Jim.”

“And that’s the thing, Scotty. I could have moved out of the way in time. He warned me to move. I didn’t and he shoved me out of the way. Now he’s dead and I might as well have killed him myself.”

Scotty squeezed his shoulder. “I know it feels that way now, but it’s not true.”

Kirk shook his head and finished the rest of the bottle in silence. He swayed when he stood up, too.

“I should help you back to your quarters,” Scotty suggested.

“I don’t need help,” Kirk protested.

“Yeah, you do.”

Jim allowed Scotty to get him into the turbolift and take him down to his quarters.

“Maybe I should contact someone,” Scotty suggested.

“I’m fine.”

“I think someone should stay with you. Is there anyone I should call?”

Kirk shook his head and closed his eyes, leaning against the door to his quarters. “No, he’s dead.”

“Jim—”

“Thanks, Scotty, for everything.” Kirk entered his quarters and closed the door.

****

Kirk was surprised when the door to his quarters opened. He blinked up from his position on the floor, leaning against the wall.

“Spock?”

“Captain?” Spock squatted next to him. “Are you injured?”

“No.”

“Captain?”

“I’m drunk, Spock. I’m not injured.”

Spock stared at him for a moment, stood and then reached down to pull Kirk up off the floor. “How much have you had to drink?”

“Does it matter?”

“How much?”

“A bottle of scotch and some port.”

“How many glasses of port?”

Kirk wiped his face with his hand. “ _I don’t know_.”

“Too many then,” Spock said, his tone harsh.

“Why are you here?”

“Mr. Scott informed me that I should check on you.”

“As you can see, I’m fine.”

Spock’s jaw clenched. “You are not.”

Kirk sighed and turned away. “Spock, I owe you an apology.”

“Captain?”

“I was rude to you before. My only excuse is I was upset over Hendorff, but I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.”

“Your apology is unnecessary. I was not offended.”

Kirk nodded. “Of course not.”

“Jim, you are my friend and if you are in pain, I wish to assist you,” Spock said quietly.

He turned to look at Spock and realized they stood very close to each other. Kirk swallowed. Why was Spock so close? He shouldn’t be this close because now Kirk could smell him. And God, he’d always loved Spock’s scent. He couldn’t even describe it, it just intoxicated him. Damn, he was intoxicated enough.

“Spock.” Impossibly he stepped closer to Spock. God, he should be putting distance between them.

“Captain?”

Kirk licked his lips. Somehow his hand ended up clutching Spock’s blue tunic. Somehow Spock was close enough to kiss. Somehow his lips were on Spock’s before he could stop himself from doing it. Kirk kissed Spock for a full minute before he realized Spock wasn’t really kissing him back. He was letting Jim kiss him, true, his lips were warm and soft, not stiff and unyielding. But there was no attempt to return the kiss.

Kirk pulled away.

“Captain, I cannot—”

Kirk shook his head. “No. I’m sorry. That was inappropriate.”

“You are emotionally compromised.”

He laughed, a little hysterically. “Yeah. If you want to tell yourself that, go ahead.”

“Jim—”

“Really, I’m sorry. That was my bad. I shouldn’t have done that. You’re with Uhura and I’m…an idiot.” He backed away now. “I’m gonna take a shower. And Spock? You need to leave.”

“I must ascertain that you are all right.”

“I’m fine. When I get out you need to be gone.” He practically ran into the bathroom. He locked the door.

God, he’d kissed Spock. Like a total fucking idiot.   


	6. Had He Been Wrong

Kirk came out of the bathroom an hour later and Spock was gone. Thankfully. He pulled on an old pair of jeans and a T-shirt and commed Bones.

“Hey, can you come?”

“I’ll be right there, Jim.”

Kirk got himself a cup of coffee from the replicator and sat behind his desk to stare at the letter he had started to Hendorff’s parents. That’s what had made him start on the port.

He buzzed Bones in when the door chimed.

His friend took one look at him and came over behind the desk and pulled him out of the chair and hugged him. “You look like hell.”

Kirk sighed into Bone’s embrace. “I’m not doing too well.”

Bones squeezed him and released him. “You’re taking this hard.”

Kirk slumped in his desk chair. “I feel like the biggest ass in the universe. And to top it off I kissed Spock.”

“What? When?”

“A little while ago. God, I’m such an idiot. What kind of jackass kisses someone else’s boyfriend?” Kirk shook his head. “Not that it mattered. He didn’t want anything to do with me anyway.”

“Why was he here?”

“Guess Scotty thought he was being helpful.”

“You’ve been drinking.”

“Pretty obvious.” Kirk stared down at his untouched coffee. “Should I ask to transfer them?”

Bones frowned. “Who?”

“Spock and Uhura.” Kirk put his face in his hands. “That’s fucked up. I should stop being a child and just do my fucking job and let them do theirs.”

“Sounds like you answered your own question.”

“What would you do, Bones?”

“I probably wouldn’t have requested the hobgoblin as my first officer in the first place. You had the chance to get rid of him and you didn’t take it.”

Kirk sighed. “You’re a big help.”

“Why all the drinking?” Bones asked after a moment. “Hendorff?”

“Yeah. He was in love with me, Bones.”

“I figured.”

“Well, why am I the last one to know this shit?”

“You didn’t want to see it,” Bones said gently. “And you can’t help who you love, Jim. You know that better than anyone.”

“I was writing his parents.”

“Read what you have for me.”

“Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hendorff. Your son. Your son. Your son.” Jim shook his head. “I wrote that three times and then I started on the port after the scotch.”

“Want me to do it?”

“Thanks, Bones, but no. It’s more important than usual I be the one.”

Bones nodded “I want you off for another shift.”

“Yeah. Do me a favor, would you?”

“Anything.”

“I’m gonna lock myself in here. There’s a chance someone—”

“You mean Spock.”

“Yeah, okay, there’s a chance Spock will try to see me and if he can’t, he may contact you. So, could you just let it be known if he does that I don’t want to be disturbed unless it’s a real ship emergency?”

Bones looked hesitant, but nodded. “I’m gonna keep checking on you.”

Kirk nodded, smiled a little. “I know. I’m not gonna do anything stupid, Bones. Promise.”

“Still gonna check.”

“All right.”

Bones leaned down and gave him a quick hug. “I’ve got a date, but I’ll comm you in an hour.”

“Have fun. Seriously.”

When Bones was gone, Kirk locked his door with his secure access and sat down to write the letter again.

“Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hendorff,

It is with extreme regret that I must inform you that your son, Gerald, gave his life in the line of duty today while patrolling a planet that had issued a distress signal. It was my pleasure to serve with Gerald, who was a fine officer and a great friend to me personally. Words cannot express how at a loss I am to tell you how very sorry I am. He will be greatly missed by the crew and officers he served with on the Enterprise and is a particularly poignant loss to his many friends. I’ll never forget your son and we will forever carry him in our hearts.

James T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise.”

****

Kirk stepped onto the bridge and he might have imagined it but it seemed as though the crew gave a collective sigh.

“Keptin on the bridge,” Chekov announced and Spock immediately rose from the captain’s chair.

“Captain,” Spock said.

Kirk nodded. “Commander.” And he took his seat without another look in Spock’s direction.

As he had expected, Spock had tried three times to obtain entrance to Kirk’s quarters in the last twelve hours. Finally he had done what Kirk had predicted. He contacted Bones. And as Kirk had asked Bones, Bones advised Spock that Kirk had asked not to be disturbed except for a ship emergency.

“Status report, Mr. Sulu,” Kirk said, ignoring the still lurking presence of his first officer.

“On course for M-13, sir. Estimated time of arrival fifty-two hours, Captain.”

“Very good, Mr. Sulu.” Kirk picked up his PADD. After a moment when he realized Spock still hadn’t moved, he chanced a look at the Vulcan. “Yes, Commander?”

“Are you all right, Captain?” Spock asked.

“I’m in perfect health, Commander. Thank you for your inquiry. You may return to your station,” Kirk said pointedly.

“Yes, Captain.”

The rest of his shift was quiet and Kirk kept his gaze away from either Spock or Uhura. He was being unfair, he knew, but at the moment his pain was too raw to care. He’d get over it eventually. He’d been able to act like it wasn’t killing him before and he could do so again.

Five minutes before the shift was to end, Kirk rose from his chair and headed for the lift. “You have the conn, Commander.”

And he heaved a sigh of relief as the doors of the turbolift closed before Spock had a chance to react. His plan was to do his best to avoid Spock and by consequence, Uhura, who was nearly always with Spock, for the next few days. By then he hoped to have his control back.

Instead of heading to his quarters, he headed to the medbay. He found Bones in his office.

“You look exhausted. How much have you slept?” Bones demanded.

“An hour here or there.”

“I’m gonna give you something then,” Bones said, rising from behind his desk and walking into the main part of the medbay.

“All right, but listen, I came to ask you if I could stay in your quarters tonight.”

“Mine?”

“Yeah. My quarters kind of make my skin crawl right now. You have a date right? Think you could stay with Carol tonight?”

“Maybe. But even if I can’t, you can go ahead and stay in my quarters, Jim.” Bones jabbed him in the neck with a hypospray.

“Ouch.” Jim rubbed the spot.

“That should give you time to get to my quarters and eat something. Hopefully you’ll be out for six to eight hours.”

Kirk smiled. “Thanks, Bones. You’re the best.”

“Don’t think I don’t know it.”

****

Spock exhaled slowly as once again he got no response when trying to see his captain. He was becoming more concerned by the captain’s odd behavior. He had asked Nyota about it but she had not been able to provide any ideas as to what plagued their captain.

He was aware that Kirk felt the loss of Lieutenant Hendorff, who had died performing his duty protecting the captain. But they had lost crew members before and it had not affected the captain this much.

It occurred to Spock that it was possible Kirk wasn’t in his quarters. He might be in the mess or the recreation rooms. Possibly even in engineering or the gym.

“Computer, locate Captain Kirk.”

“Captain Kirk is in the quarters of Dr. Leonard McCoy.”

Spock blinked. His captain and the doctor? He had not thought…Spock knew they were friends, but Spock had believed there was nothing romantic behind the friendship. Had he been wrong? He would seek out Nyota and ask her. 


	7. Memorial

Spock watched as Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy entered the mess room the next morning, their heads tilted together and whispering.

“Nyota, I think that the captain and the doctor are engaged in a relationship.”

Nyota looked up from her plate of fruit with an arched brow. “What?”

He had meant to discuss it with her last night over their usual shared meal in her quarters, but Nyota had wished to discuss something else and then after dinner they hadn’t done any talking.

“The captain spent the night in the doctor’s quarters last night.”

She frowned. “How do you know that, honey?”

“I was looking for the captain and requested from the computer his location.”

“Oh.” She nodded. “That does surprise me though. Carol told me she is seeing Leonard.”

“Dr. Marcus and Dr. McCoy are engaged in a relationship?”

Nyota shrugged. “That’s what she said. I also thought Kirk was as straight as an arrow. Guess you never know.”

Spock knew the unwelcome feeling curling in his stomach was jealousy. He had no right to such a feeling with regard to Captain Kirk. He was free to engage sexually with whomever he pleased. He himself was involved with Nyota.

The captain had kissed him while inebriated, but Spock knew it meant nothing. Humans often acted out of character while under the influence.

Kirk leaned close to McCoy and whispered in his ear. When he pulled away he had a bright, beautiful smile on his face that made Spock’s heart clench. What…was…this?

“Spock?”

He blinked and focused on Nyota. “Yes?”

“I’ve been calling your name. You okay?”

Spock blew out a breath. “I am not certain.”  

****

“We are gathered here today to remember Lieutenant Gerald Paul Hendorff who bravely gave his life in the line of duty.

I first met Gerald in Riverside and under less than desirable circumstances. I nicknamed him ‘Cupcake’ which is a nickname that seemed to stick. Gradually we learned over serving together to sort of respect each other and eventually, as our five year mission began, Gerald and I became friends.

Gerald wanted to be in Starfleet as a boy dreaming of exploring space like many of us. He wasn’t much into science or engineering, but he enjoyed security work and liked to protect those he respected and cared for.

Many of you know that Gerald was my preferred security officer on most of my landing parties. We were close. Probably closer than most of you know. Though, now that he’s gone, I wished I’d made more an effort to be the kind of…friend Gerald deserved.

When Gerald was dying he asked a very small thing of me and due to something…I don’t know…missing in me, I wasn’t able to give that to him. Not in time, anyway. And that lost moment haunts me.

My first officer would say that regrets are illogical, but God knows I am an illogical human so I have a lot of regrets. And not being able to give Gerald that small thing is high up there on the list.

Gerald Paul Hendorff was a great officer, crewmember, and friend. I’ll leave you now to your own thoughts and remembrances, but ask that you never forget him. Rest in peace, Cupcake.”

Kirk stepped away from the podium and walked away from the crowd he’d just addressed for the memorial for Hendorff. He made his way to where Bones stood, but before he reached Bones, Spock stepped into his path.

Spock’s dark eyes seemed fathomless. “I grieve with thee.”

Kirk nodded, licked his lips. “Thank you, Mr. Spock.”

When he reached Bones, he squeezed Bones’ arm. “I’m gonna get changed and then report for duty on the bridge.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. I need to get my mind back to normal ship business, Bones. Dinner later?”

“I’m supposed to see Carol, but I could cancel.”

Kirk shook his head. “Nah, don’t. Maybe tomorrow?”

“For sure.”

“Good. Thanks, Bones.”

He left the ship’s chapel and headed toward the turbolift. Spock squeezed in just as the doors were about to close.

“Captain?”

“Yes?”

“I could not help but overhear you conversation with Dr. McCoy.”

“Probably because you were standing only a few feet away.”

“Captain?”

He shook his head. “What is it, Spock?”

“If you are free for dinner after your shift, would you consider joining me?” Spock asked.

Kirk was already shaking his head.

“You did say we were friends once, did you not?”

Well, Spock had him there, damn it.

“Yeah, but—”

Spock arched a brow.

Gritting his teeth, Kirk made himself nod. “Very well. Fine. Dinner.”

The turbolift opened on the deck with officer’s quarters and Kirk headed to his to change from his dress uniform to his regulation uniform.


	8. Dinner and Chess

“What do you desire to eat?” Spock asked as they approached the replicators in the mess room.

Kirk shrugged. “Chicken I guess?” He pressed the buttons and Spock chose a vegetarian casserole.

Spock led them to a table for two in the corner and waited for his captain to sit down before he took his own seat.

They ate in silence for several moments which is not what Spock had intended.

“I was unaware you had a personal relationship with Lieutenant Hendorff,” Spock said, but he stiffened instantly when he saw the shuttered look in Kirk’s eyes.

“Yeah, well. Not really sure you know a lot of personal things about me, Spock.”

“That may be true.”

His captain smirked. “I’m sure it is. Did you know I play chess?”

Spock blinked. “I did not.” He paused. “Did you play with Mr. Hendorff?”

“Chess? With Hendorff? No.” Kirk shook his head but he was smiling. “He was bored with chess. Didn’t care for the strategies. He didn’t really have a tactical brain.”

Spock had to admit he was surprised by his captain’s relationship with Hendorff. More surprised than he had been when he’d thought his captain and the doctor might be involved.

“Dr. McCoy is seeing Dr. Marcus?” Spock asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah for a while. Why?”

Spock did not wish the captain to think he was interfering with his business so he chose not to mention finding out Kirk was in McCoy’s quarters, though he did wonder about it. “I overheard the doctor mention it to you.”

“When you were eavesdropping,” Kirk said.

“I was not.”

“Sure.” He cut a piece of chicken and poked his fork into to it, but rather than placing it in his mouth, the captain sort of waved it around as he spoke. “Why the dinner invitation anyway?”

“Is it not something friends are accustomed to doing together?”

“Yeah. But you haven’t ever been interested before. You’re always with Uhura.”

“I apologize for the neglect of our friendship, Captain.”

Kirk shrugged. “I found other ways to spend my time.”

“With Lieutenant Hendorff?”

“Yes. And Bones.”

“But not in the same manner?”

The captain laughed. “You aren’t seriously asking if I was sleeping with both Bones and Hendorff?”

“I would not.”

“Oh, yeah, you were. And no, I wasn’t. Who I sleep with probably isn’t your business, Spock, friends or not, but I have never been with Bones and I don’t see him that way.”

Spock’s lips thinned. “I apologize.”

Kirk finally stopped waving his piece of chicken and placed it in his mouth.

Spock knew he had no right to ask and yet he could not seem to stop himself. “Was your amorous relationship with Lieutenant Hendorff serious?”

His captain took so long to answer, Spock suspected he did not intend to do so.

“No, it wasn't,” Kirk said after a while. “I think he wanted it to be, but I’m not exactly relationship material. I didn’t really realize until it was too late that he had deeper feeling for me. I thought it was a mutually beneficial sexual thing.” He stared at the chicken still on his plate. “Had I realized it, I don’t know what I would have done, honestly.”

“It is difficult when one person in a relationship expects more than the other is willing to give.”

His captain stared at him, his brows raised. “Speaking from experience, Mr. Spock?”

“Perhaps.”

“Having trouble with Uhura?”

Spock hesitated. Speaking of such intimacies was not the Vulcan way. “Nyota seeks a deeper emotional connection than I am able to give to her.”

Kirk nodded. “I see.” He ate another bite of chicken. “What are you going to do about it?”

“I am uncertain,” Spock admitted. “She has expressed a wish to discuss it further between us.”

The captain smirked. “Good luck with that, Spock, really.”

“Adding to that difficulty is the more recent realization I find myself attracted to another individual,” Spock said carefully.

Kirk blinked. “What?”

Rather than answer, Spock asked, “Would you care to play chess, Captain?”

“Now?”

“Or later if you prefer. I am free at the moment if you have no other plans.”

Kirk frowned a bit, but nodded. “Okay. Rec room?”

Spock hesitated. “I do have a set in my quarters.”

“I’ve never been in your quarters.”

“If it makes you uncomfortable—”

“Nah, why would it? Let’s go.”

****

Kirk glanced around Spock’s quarters trying to decide if it was a little weird or not. Basically Spock’s cabin looked very much like Kirk’s really, except with a few Vulcan artifacts and a corner area that clearly Spock used as a meditation area. It was warmer though. He tugged a little at the collar of his black undershirt and tried a smile.

“So, um, you didn't want to spend time with Uhura?” he asked, feeling stupid. Spock had admitted he and Uhura were having problems.

Spock inclined his head. “I believe she expressed a need for space.”

“Ah. Yeah. Been there, done that.” Kirk sat in front of the chess set that Spock already had placed in his room. “Did you tell _her_ you were attracted to someone else?”

And how about that anyway? Who else did Spock find attractive? Whoever they were, Kirk envied them.

Spock hesitated as he began to withdraw a cup of tea from the replicator. “Do you desire a beverage?”

“Oh, sure. Coffee would be cool.”

Spock brought both tea and coffee over to where Kirk sat and handed him the coffee cup. “While I did not directly confess my interest in another, I believe Nyota is astute enough not only to have guessed but also to know who draws my attention.”

“Okay,” Kirk said with a nod. “Well, I guess whatever happens between you two, you know I’m here for you as your friend, right?” He moved his first chess piece.

“Yes, Captain.”

Kirk wondered if he should bring up the awkward kiss he had planted on Spock when he was drunk and apologize again. But Spock had said he wasn't offended, so maybe he was better off letting it go. Too bad it was still on his mind. Hard to forget the taste of Spock’s lips.

Spock moved his first piece. “May I ask a query?”

Kirk shook himself, realizing he was staring into space. “Yeah, sure.”

“You spent the night in Dr. McCoy’s quarters, the other night, did you not?”

“Is that your question?”

Spock’s expression remained blank but he was flushed green. “I wondered why you found it necessary.”

“You mean you are dying of curiosity.” Kirk smirked.

“I—”

“I told you before I’m not sleeping with Bones.”

Spock nodded. “All the more reason for my query.”

Kirk sighed. “I didn't want to be in my own quarters.”

“Is there a problem with your quarters?”

“I’m not sure I should answer that.”

“I see.”

“Spock, it’s just that, it’s not that I think it’s none of your business, it’s just, I really don’t want to talk about it. To anyone.”

“Very well.”

Kirk reached to move his next piece and Spock’s communicator beeped. He picked it up and glanced at it.

“Go head,” Kirk said with a shrug.

Spock got up and walked over to his meditation area and Kirk heard him say, “Nyota.”

Kirk did his best not to listen, because he certainly didn't want to hear anything intimate involving them.

A moment later Spock came back and gazed down at Kirk. “Nyota has requested my presence in her quarters to talk.”

Kirk stood. “Okay.”

“Jim, I apologize.”

He shrugged. “No big deal. Girlfriends take priority.”

Spock opened his mouth, but then closed it. Kirk turned his back on Spock and went to the door of Spock’s quarters.

“Are you still amenable to playing chess?”

Kirk smiled. “Yeah, you just tell me when you’re ready.” He patted Spock’s arm. “See you.”

He walked out into the corridor and the door swished closed behind him. He turned toward the door of his own quarters, but then kept walking.     


	9. Waking Up to Facts

Nyota greeted him with a kiss, but Spock felt the stiffness in his response and the coolness of her lips. He knew from the abrupt way she pulled away, Nyota recognized it too.

“Did I interrupt something?” she asked.

“I was engaged in a chess game with the captain.”

Her face squinched up. “I see.”

“Nyota?”

She shook her head. “Actually, that’s a perfect lead into what I wanted to talk to you about.” She gestured to a couple of seats that surrounded a small table in her quarters. They had dined there many times.

Spock took the seat and waited for Nyota to continue.

“I’m not going to be coy here, Spock,” Nyota said. “I’m not that kind of woman. You want Kirk, don’t you?”

He was not certain how to respond to her blunt question, but neither could he exactly deny it.

Nyota snorted, clearly taking his silence as his admission. “I thought so. Are you in love with him?”

Spock replied, “I do not know. I find myself conflicted.”

“Well, you aren’t the only one. No woman wants to hear her boyfriend wants someone else.”

“I do not intend to act on it.”

She laughed. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? Now, if we make love I’d wonder if you were thinking about him.”

Her words made him uncomfortable and he shook his head.

“Don’t bother to deny any of it,” Nyota said before Spock could form words. “I’ve seen the way you have been watching him lately. You say you don’t know if you love him, but you definitely want him.”

“Nyota—”

“Spock, I was there when you pretty much went berserk when Kirk died. When that Klingon threatened me on Qo’noS, you didn’t even get off the shuttle until Kirk did.” She snorted again. “I saw you on the planet. You wanted to protect _him_ from the Klingons and Khan, even then.”

“I do not know what to say,” Spock admitted.

“I’ve been trying to pretend I haven’t seen the signs but ever since Hendorff was killed your eyes have followed him everywhere. It borders on obsession.”

“Vulcans do not become obsessed,” Spock denied.

Nyota sighed. “It doesn’t really matter, Spock. I know you don’t love me. Not the way I want you to. Maybe you never have.”

“I have tried to be what you wanted.”

“I know you have. But it’s not enough. I deserve someone who loves me wholly like I love them.”

Spock was silent for a moment but then he nodded. “Yes.”

Her smile was sad, but it was a smile. “I’m glad we agree. Look, I admit I don’t understand what you see in him. I like him. He’s a good captain. But I don’t see him ever being in the kind of relationship that’s important to you, Spock. I won’t hold you to me just because I love you, though.”

“I am sorry.”

“Me, too.” She sighed and rose from her chair. “I’d like to say we can be friends, Spock, but right now, I’m not sure about that.”

Spock stood. No one had ever ended a relationship with him before. Not that he’d had many. Nyota had sort of forced herself into his life when they were in the academy together.

“I will always be your friend, Nyota,” Spock told her. “No matter what you decide.”

She hugged him then. “Goodnight, Spock.”

****

Kirk blinked his eyes open and stared at the ceiling of the observation deck. There was a pillow beneath his head and a blanket covering him. With a groan for his stiff body, he sat up.

“Sleeping beauty is awake,” Bones cracked.

He scowled at his friend who sat cross-legged beside him on the floor of the observation deck. “Do I have you to thank for the pillow and blanket?”

“Nope. I just got here. I assumed you brought them with you.”

Kirk cracked his neck. “No. Hmm. Weird.”

“What the hell are you doing falling asleep in here anyway? It couldn’t have been comfortable.”

“It sure as hell was not.”

“Jim, if you’re still avoiding your quarters, you could have contacted me. I would have let you sleep in mine.”

“You were on a date,” Kirk said with a shrug. “Didn’t want to bother you.”

“Weren’t you having dinner with Spock?”

“He got a booty call from Uhura.”

Bones winced. “Swell.”

“Yeah.” Kirk stretched. Winced. “Damn, I’m really going to regret this. My fucking back is killing me.”

“I’ve got a hypo for that.”

“Of course you do. What are you doing here anyway?”

“Wanted to check on you. Computer said you were here.”

“Bones, am I selfish prick?”

“Yes.”

Kirk laughed. “I knew I could rely on you for the truth.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Why do you ask anyway?”

“Because ever since Hendorff died all I can think of is how it affected me,” Kirk admitted. “That’s a selfish prick, right?”

“I think it’s probably a natural human reaction.”

“While still being a selfish prick.”

“Jim, it’s pretty normal for people to think about themselves and how they are going to handle it after someone dies. Our thought processes go there. Humans can be very selfish, but I’m not sure you’re any worse than any of the rest of us.”

“I’m being selfish even thinking about being selfish,” Kirk said, groaning. “It’s like I’m whining, what about me? And a man died. A good man. Someone I should have cared a lot more about.”

“That’s guilt talking.”

“Yeah, well I am guilty.”

“You’ve never obsessed so much about the fate of your casual lays before,” Bones said.

“Ouch. Thanks, doc.”

“I’m just giving it to you straight, Jim. I’m sorry about what happened, really, and that he was hurt by you, but you can’t obsess over something that just didn’t happen for you. You’re in love with Spock. You’ve always been in love with him. And I’m pretty sure Hendorff knew that too.”

Kirk stared down at the floor. ”Why didn’t you tell me to stop fucking around with him anyway? You knew he cared about me. Why didn’t you stop me?”

“Me tell the great James T. Kirk he should stop fucking who he wanted to fuck?” Bones snorted. “Not likely.”

“God, you make me sound really great,” Kirk said, rolling his eyes.

“I love you, Jim. I wouldn’t choose any other friend in the world over you. Sometimes it’s a mystery to me what draws us together. All that time in space, getting on each other’s nerves. But it is what it is, Jim.” He patted Kirk’s leg. “You coming to the medbay for your shot or what?”

They both stood up from the floor and Kirk winced once more at the stiffness in his back.

“I think I’d better.” He looked down at the pillow and blanket. “Still wonder who brought me those.”

Bones shrugged. “Guess you’ll never know. Come on, princess.”

Kirk pushed Bones and they headed out of the observation room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Used two lines from Bones from The Final Frontier


	10. Not Encouraging

Kirk decided he would never allow himself to fall asleep on the deck of any part of the ship again. Even after a series of Bones’ wonder shots he was still stiff, sore and achy.

He poked at his oatmeal, but he didn’t have much of an appetite. He also must look as grumpy as he felt because he’d sat himself at a little corner table and so far everyone who had considered joining him there had turned around and chosen another seat. Suited him just fine.

That somehow didn’t stop Spock, though, because suddenly his Vulcan first officer had seated himself across from Jim. He carried with him a plate of fruit and some tea that smelled vaguely like smoke.

“Morning,” Kirk muttered.

“Captain.” He glanced over at Jim’s barely touched oatmeal. “You are not eating?”

Kirk took a sip from the cup of mud the machine had given him and he grimaced. “Not really hungry.”

“Did you overindulge?”

He snorted. “Are you asking me if I drank after I left your quarters?” Kirk shook his head. “No. I actually ended up on the very hard deck. Observation deck to be honest.”

Spock nodded. “I wished to discuss that with you.”

“Huh?” Jim took another sip.

“I would hope that you would consider my bed as an alternative.”

Kirk spit the coffee out, splattering the table between them. He reached for a napkin and wiped his mouth and then the table. “Sorry. But I couldn’t have heard you correctly.”

“What I meant was that I do not require sleep the way you do. Sometimes meditation is enough and if you wish to avoid your own quarters, I offer mine for your use.”

“Wait.” Kirk frowned. “You knew I slept on the deck?”

“Affirmative. I discovered you there when I asked the computer to locate you.”

Kirk gaped. “So, you’re the one who left me a pillow and a blanket?”

“You were asleep and I did not wish to disturb you by waking you. I considered carrying you back to your quarters but that seemed inappropriate.” Spock hesitated. “If I have breached some sort of etiquette, I apologize.”

“No, you didn’t. Thank you, actually. That was…sweet.”

“Your gratitude is unnecessary.” Spock studied him. “You do not appear well rested.”

“I’m not particularly. Not the most comfortable way to sleep.”

Spock ate some fruit for a moment or two, then said, “Forgive me, Captain, but I would ask you to explain once more why you will not sleep in your quarters?”

Kirk sighed. “You’ll think it illogical.”

“No doubt. I am still curious.”

Kirk huffed a laugh. “One of the last things Hendorff did before he was killed was spend some time in my quarters.” He felt himself turning red. And it irritated him. “After—after I made him leave. The next time I saw him was when we were planet side. The alien was after me so he gave his life to save me. It’s been difficult with the way I treated him. And now when I go into my quarters it’s all I can think about.”

Spock nodded, his brown eyes unbearably assessing. It made Kirk feel naked and vulnerable.

“Anyway.” Kirk waved his hand. “I’ll get over it eventually.”

“He was doing his duty.”

“Yeah. I just hate the fact that his duty meant dying for me.”

“You feel that way because you shared a special relationship,” Spock said softly

“But I _didn’t_. That’s the thing, Spock. It was…it was just sex to me. I never would have wanted anything else with him. But it was something else to him.” Kirk blew out a breath. “And I feel like the biggest jerk in the universe.”

“You are not responsible for the emotions another man feels, Captain. No matter what the lieutenant felt toward you, you do not owe him tender feelings in return.”

Kirk sighed. “I-I guess. But I shouldn’t have led him on or whatever.”

“From the sound of it, you did not. I assume he was aware you thought of your interaction as merely for sexual fulfillment.”

He scrubbed his face with his hand. “Yeah. But I could have put a stop to it, you know? If I’d realized it, I wouldn’t have messed around with him.”

Spock sipped his smoky tea. “I doubt that would prevent him from having amorous feelings for you.”

“I know. You’re right. And I really need to stop obsessing over this. Really.” Kirk shook his head and finished his bitter coffee. “How about you, Spock?”

Spock blinked. “Me, Captain?”

“Did things go well with Uhura?”

“Nyota and I have decided to end our relationship,” Spock replied.

“Oh.” Kirk inhaled sharply. “God, I’m sorry, Spock.”

“You are not responsible.”

“No, I know. Humans say…never mind. Are you all right? I know you two have been together since your days at the academy.”

Spock inclined his head. “I am not compromised.”

“Will you two be able to work together?”

“I do not anticipate any problems in that regard.”

Kirk nodded. “Good. Still, if there’s anything you need, or you wanna, I don’t know, talk about it? I’m here. Okay?”

“Yes, Captain,” Spock replied.

“Not that I’m great for talking about that sort of thing,” Kirk said, wryly. “I’m terrible at relationships. Never really even had one. Honestly? That whole commitment thing? Tying yourself to one person forever?” He shook his head. “Nah, so not for me.”

Spock said nothing, just finished his tea and stood. “I am due to report to the bridge.”

“Me too.” He pushed away from the table and stood. “Walk together?”

“Yes, Captain.”


	11. Stranded

Kirk’s side was killing him. He knew the pain was bad news. Very bad news. And if that wasn’t bad enough the news that the storm, a strange sort of violent blizzard on this ice planet, was interfering with the Enterprise was worse.

“Look, Scotty, can you beam us up?”

“I can beam up four of you at first. Once that’s done I’ll get the other two.”

Kirk nodded. Once more trying to ignore the pain. They’d been attacked by natives of the planet. All but two of the others had escaped injuries. Kirk hadn’t been so lucky, but so far with the parka he wore he’d been able to keep his injury hidden. He didn’t have time for it.

“Okay, Bones, you take the injured up there. I’ll stay behind.”

“Jim—”

“Bones, don’t argue. There’s no time.”

“I will also stay behind,” Spock spoke quietly.

Kirk wanted to refuse to allow it. He wanted Spock up there on the Enterprise safe. But part of Kirk wanted Spock with him. And that part won out. He nodded. “Okay. Everyone get ready.” When they were in position, Kirk flipped open his communicator. “Energize.”

Kirk watched while Bones and the others faded away. He sucked in a breath.

“Captain, are you all right?”

“Fine, Spock. Scotty?”

“We have them, Captain. Stand by.”

Kirk gritted his teeth. He was starting to sweat. Freezing ass cold and he was sweating. Also couldn’t be a good sign. Spock was watching him closely, too.

He turned away from Spock’s too perceptive gaze.

“Scotty?”

“Captain, the electric storm is getting worse. It’s interfering with the transporter.”

Kirk closed his eyes. “So you can’t beam us up?”

“Not right now. And—shit!”

“Scotty?”

“The storms affecting the engines, sir. The dilithium crystals are shorting out. If we don’t get out of here it’s going to cripple us. We’ll be pulled down and burn up in the atmosphere,” Scotty said.

Kirk exhaled. “Get my ship out of here.”

“Captain—”

“You heard me, mister. Get the Enterprise out of the storm. When it passes come back and get us.”

A long pause. “Understood, Captain.”

“See you soon. I hope.”

“Scott out.”

Kirk forced a smile and turned back to Spock. “Sorry about this, Mr. Spock. Guess we’re stuck here for a little while longer.”

“So it would seem.”

“You warm enough?”

“For now.” Spock stepped toward him. “You are pale.”

“Well, I…I think I should tell you something, Spock.”

“Captain?”

“I lied when I said I wasn’t hurt.”

Spock’s eyes got wide and he gripped Kirk’s arms. “Where?”

Kirk swayed a little. “Side.”

Spock opened his coat and then stared at Jim’s side, dismay clearly on his face.

Kirk laughed. “Must be bad.” He looked down and saw that his shirt was soaked with blood. “Oh. Damn.”

“Captain, you should have beamed up with the others.”

“Yeah. Well, it’s my responsibility to see they are safe, Spock.”

“Not at your own expense.”

“Actually, yes. I’m their captain and—fuck.” He toppled forward into Spock’s arms.

Spock lifted him in his arms and carried him into a nearby cave where they had earlier taken shelter. He laid him down and pushed up Kirk’s shirt to examine him.

“It’s bad, isn’t it?” Kirk asked when Spock remained quiet.

“I believe the weapon they used may have been poisoned,” Spock said softy.

“Figures.”

“I am going to clean it and then bandage it.”

“Bandage it with what?”

“Strips from my shirt.”

“No, Spock. You need to stay warm.”

“Do you honestly believe that my temperature comfort is more important than taking care of your injury?” Spock asked, his voice sounding angry.

“No. But Spock if you get too cold you’ll die. One of us has to survive this and I think it’s going to be you.”

“I will not listen to this, Captain. We will both survive.”

Kirk laughed without humor. “I don’t think so, Spock. The pain…it’s like it’s burning me from the inside. Never…never felt anything like it. Even before when I died. This—this hurts worse.”

“Nevertheless, you will survive. And you will promise me that you will never keep your injuries hidden from either myself or Dr. McCoy again.”

“Not one of my finer moments, I agree.”

“I will be back very shortly.”

“’Kay.”

Kirk closed his eyes and tried to ignore the searing pain that seemed to flow through his whole body now. He felt hot and chilled at the same time and he was pretty sure he might be going into shock. Could he be coherent while going into shock? Maybe not. He didn’t know.

A moment later he felt Spock return but he didn’t open his eyes. Not even when he felt something wet and very cold being applied to his wound.

“Jim?”

“Uh.”

“I was checking to make sure you were conscious.”

“Sorta.”

Kirk heard ripping and assumed Spock was tearing up his uniform. He tried to open his eyes but they were too heavy.

“Jim?”

He shook his head or thought he did.

“Jim, are you conscious?”

He was floating. He didn’t feel pain anymore. It was nice.

“Jim!”

Spock sounded so far away.

_You can settle for a less than ordinary life, or do you feel like you were meant for something better?_

_What is it like not to feel anger... or heartbreak... or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?_

_I watched you open fire in a room full of unarmed Starfleet officers. You killed them in cold blood._

_“Do you even know my first name?”_

Kirk felt his consciousness drain and there was nothing.


	12. Meld

Spock watched his unconscious captain for any sign of distress or changes. With his phaser, he’d managed to build a fire for them in the cave. He’d been attempting to contact the Enterprise but so far there had been no response.

He had stabilized Captain Kirk for the moment, but realistically Spock knew if Kirk didn’t get medical treatment soon he would die.

Because Spock was watching his captain so closely, he noticed immediately when Kirk’s eyelashes fluttered and then slowly opened. Kirk blinked his eyes rapidly and then after a moment or two of staring at the ceiling of the cave, he turned his head and shifted his gaze to Spock.

“How long have I been out?” Kirk asked, his voice soft, low, and somewhat hoarse.

“Twelve point three two hours, Captain.” Spock was relieved to see his blue eyes were clear.

Kirk gave a shaky breath. “Status report?”

“We are, of course, still stranded on the planet. The blizzard has eased but in the sky there are still signs of the electric storm. I have attempted to contact the Enterprise eight times.”

“It doesn’t hurt much anymore.”

Spock nodded. “I melded with you to use a Vulcan method to ease the pain.”

Kirk frowned. “You did? I don’t remember that.”

“You were unconscious. I apologize for invading your mind without seeking your approval first but under the circumstances I thought it prudent to act quickly.”

“No, it’s fine. I’ve had a meld before.”

Spock almost frowned, but held back at the last moment. “When?”

“The other you. You know on Delta Vega. It was…um…not my favorite thing.”

“He injured you?” Spock asked, unable to keep the sharpness from his voice.

“Not exactly. It was right after Vulcan had been destroyed. The grief…it was intense.”

“I apologize.”

“For what?”

“He should not have put you through that. I am displeased.”

Kirk laughed a little. “Yes. I can see that. Anyway, it was hardly your fault.”

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“I would like your assurance you will not jeopardize yourself in this manner again.”

“Spock, I’m captain. The safety of the crew is my responsibility.”

“You are the captain which is exactly why you should have gone back to the ship with the others. The crew looks to you to lead them. You are important to every one of them. Constantly endangering yourself does not take care of the crew.”

Kirk sighed.

“Sometimes it appears you endanger yourself purposefully.” When Kirk did not deny that, Spock inhaled sharply. “You do?”

“Spock.”

“Why?”

“I just…sometimes I think you’d all be better off without me. You’d make a better captain than I would and we all know it.”

“We do not know it,” Spock said. “And it is not true. Why do you think that?”

“Come on, Spock, even the guy who recruited me said I sucked as a captain.”

“You refer to Admiral Pike?”

“The one and only.”

“It is my understanding he did not say you sucked.”

Kirk laughed again, but it sounded hoarse. “Might as well have.”

“He said you were not ready. That is not the same. And now you are, you have proven yourself to be a very capable and admirable captain.”

“Maybe.”

“There is no maybe. Vulcans do not lie nor do we speculate. If I say you are capable and admirable it is because you are,” Spock told him.

“All right, Spock. You win.”

“You will cease endangering your welfare?” he demanded.

“I’ll try anyway. I can’t promise exactly. But I’ll try.” Kirk sighed. “If I make it off this ice cube that is.”

Spock’s stomach clenched. “You will. You must. I will not allow you to die.”

“Okay. Well, distract me or something.”

“Captain?”

“It’s starting to hurt again,” Kirk said. “So distract me. Talk about something.”

“What?”

“I don’t know. Whatever.”

“I could attempt another meld,” Spock suggested.

“Does it hurt you to do that?”

“Negative. It will not harm you either.”

“And do you—do you read my mind or something?”

“No, it does not work that way. Only linked couples and family members would be able to read thoughts and only limited. I may sense emotions, certain thoughts if they are strong.”

Kirk nodded, blew out a breath. “Okay.”

Spock leaned toward his captain and put his fingers on Kirk’s psi-points. Entering Jim’s mind was easy, Spock slipped in with no resistance. He sensed the pain and confusion in his captain’s mind. Just below that was overwhelming trust and…affection. Spock swallowed and did his best to ignore it. He was in Jim’s mind to ease his distress.

When he accomplished that, Spock reluctantly eased out of Kirk’s mind. When his captain was conscious his mind was very compelling and Spock had the urge to explore.

Kirk was staring at him intently. “Thanks, that’s better.”

Spock found he did not want to move his fingers from Kirk’s face. Touching Kirk soothed his anxiety. Something Spock had never experienced before even with Nyota. Spock’s thumb slipped down toward the corner of Kirk’s mouth and he thought of the kiss they’d shared when Kirk was drunk.

“Spock?”

Spock jumped slightly and dropped his hand from his captain’s face. “I should try contacting the Enterprise again.”

Kirk nodded. “Good idea.”

Spock flipped open his communicator. “Spock to the Enterprise. Enterprise come in.”

“Well, your voice is a sight for sore eyes!” Mr. Scott exclaimed after a bit of static.

Spock frowned. “That is not possible, Mr. Scott.”

“Aye, Commander. We’re almost to the planet to pick you up. Storm's eased a wee bit. We should be able to beam you up within thirty minutes.”

“Excellent. The captain has been injured. Please inform Dr. McCoy to stand by in the transporter room.”

“Aye, Scott out.”

Kirk was smiling. “Well, that’s a relief, huh?”

“Indeed. You are fortunate, Captain. You may not be as fortunate next time.”

“Yeah, yeah. Save the lecture for later, Mr. Spock. Let’s just bask in the afterglow.”

“I am not familiar with that term.”

“Sure, sure. Thanks for saving me, Spock. Again.”

“You are welcome, Jim.”


	13. The Shirt

“It’s time for a serious talk.”

Kirk sighed. “Can I at least sit up, Bones?”

Bones helped him sit up from the biobed. He was still a little weaker than he wanted to be, but Kirk was pretty sure Bones would release him to recuperate in his quarters.

“Okay, spit it out,” Kirk said.

“Jim, you can’t pull that crap.”

“What crap?”

“Hiding injuries from your chief medical officer. I should file a report.”

Kirk’s jaw tightened. “So do it.”

“Jim.”

“Blah blah blah.”

Bones narrowed his eyes. “I’m serious.”

“I know you are which is why I said blah blah blah. Look, I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had. I had two injured crew members, their doctor who needed to treat them, and a science member who had stored data on his tricorder Starfleet needed. I didn’t know the Enterprise was going to have to get out of there before they could beam us up.”

“I can’t change what you did down there, Jim, but I sure as hell can change what you do in the future. The health of the crew is just as much my responsibility as the command of the ship is yours. And that includes you. Don’t fuck around with it next time,” Bones said, his face red with anger.

“Bones, I know. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“You think I want to fight with you? You’re like my brother, Jim. I’d give my life for you myself. I know you’d do the same for me.”

Kirk felt his throat close. “Yeah.”

“So don’t be such an idiot next time,” Bones grumbled.

“Okay.”

Bones scowled and helped him stand. “You aged me at least ten years, you know.”

“Well, it looks good on you.” Kirk grinned.

“Don’t try flattery with me, kid. I’m immune to your charms.” Bones looked at his PADD. “Rest. That means no reports even.”

“I’ll be bored.”

“It’s good to be bored once in a while. Twenty-four hours. Then light duty for another twenty-four after that.”

Kirk grimaced. “Well…hell.”

“Made you almost speechless, huh? That’s a first.” Bones studied him for a minute. “Anything happen between you and the hobgoblin?”

“What? Like what?”

Bones shrugged. “You’ve got some unusual brain activity. Nothing serious or anything, but didn’t notice it before.”

“He did do a meld with me for pain management.”

“That’s probably it then,” Bones said with a nod. “I want to do a scan again in about a week. Just to be sure that’s all it was.”

Kirk frowned. “What else could it be?”

“Don’t know. Maybe doesn't even relate to Spock. Maybe it’s that super blood working its evil in you.”

Kirk rolled his eyes. “You’re so dramatic.”

“It comes from serving with you,” Bones replied. “Now, go on. Get out of here.”

Kirk left the medbay and made it all the way to the corridor wherein lay his quarters when he remembered he didn't really want to be there. It was stupid. He had to get over it, obviously. He leaned his forehead against the door.

“Captain?”

He straightened to face his first officer. “Hi, Spock.”

“You have been released from the medbay?”

“Yeah. Just now. Twenty-four hours off duty. Twenty-four light duty.”

Spock glanced at the door he still leaned against. “Your code does not work?”

“Sure it does. I just haven’t tried it yet.”

“If your injuries—”

“No, that’s not it, Spock. I just…you know.”

For a moment Spock just stared at him and Kirk was afraid he would have to explain to Spock all over again about being squicked out by his own quarters.

“You may stay in my quarters,” Spock said.

“Nah, Spock. That would be totally inconvenient for you.”

Spock shook his head. “It would not. Most of the time I will be on duty as you are incapacitated anyway. The bed is yours. I will require some meditation but that can be done while you rest.”

“You still need sleep.”

“Acknowledged,” Spock said. “But I can always use the bed in your quarters for that purpose if necessary. It is not an inconvenience, Captain. I assure you.”

Kirk licked his dry lips. “It’s totally stupid and I know it.”

“You are still experiencing a distressing amount of guilt relating to your intimate relationship with Lieutenant Hendorff.”

Leave it Spock to get straight to the heart of the matter. “Yeah, you could say that.”

Spock opened his quarters. “Come, Captain.”

Kirk blew out a breath and entered Spock’s quarters. It was warm but for some reason at present Kirk liked it. He felt instantly more relaxed than he had in a long time.

He smiled. “Thanks, Spock.”

Spock indicated the small chair next to a table. “Sit there, Captain. I will obtain you tea. Also, are there belongings you wish me to fetch for you so that you will be more comfortable here?”

“No, Spock. I can get that.”

“It is no trouble,” Spock insisted. “Sit.”

Kirk sat. “I’d like my sweat pants and blue T-shirt. They should be in my second drawer.”

Spock nodded. “I will get them after I have obtained your tea.”

A moment later Spock brought him a cup of the smoky smelling tea Spock drank.

“I will be right back.” Spock went through their shared bathroom.

Kirk took a sip of the hot tea and grimaced. Tasted a bit like smoke, too. He glanced around Spock’s room. He’d thought it would be weird being there but it actually wasn’t. There was something kind of comforting being in Spock’s space and Kirk wasn’t sure why.

He took another two sips and by the time he’d had the fourth, Kirk decided he liked it. Spock returned then with his sweat pants and T-shirt which he set on the bed.

“When you are finished with your tea,” Spock said, “you can change and rest in bed.”

“And you?”

“I am due back on the bridge. If you require anything, contact either me or Yeoman Rand to get it for you.”

“Aye, Captain,” Kirk said with a laugh.

Spock merely arched a brow and then left his quarters.

Kirk finished his tea and then thought he maybe should contact the admiralty before he rested. With a sigh he went through the bathroom to his quarters for his PADD.

His second drawer was only partially closed. With a frown, he opened the drawer and saw that it hadn't closed because one of his other T-shirts blocked it.

“Shit,” Kirk swore. Tucked in the back of the drawer was one of Spock’s blue uniform shirts. He’d taken it from the medbay months ago after Spock had been injured on a planet. It had been ruined. Spock wouldn't be able to wear it again and Kirk should have just gotten rid of it. But he hadn’t. He’d kept it like a lovesick fool.

Had Spock seen it? He hadn’t mentioned it.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”


	14. Illogical McCoy

Spock had duties on the bridge and therefore he did his best to ignore anything to do with James T. Kirk. At least on a personal level. He was Vulcan and therefore capable of putting aside anything as illogical as Jim.

When his shift was over, however, he returned to the conundrum that was Jim. Logically he should ask the captain why he had one of Spock’s uniform shirts.

He knew which one it was by the tattered shape and green blood stains. He would have assumed it was destroyed after it had been removed from him in the medbay. Yet…it was not.

Rather than go to his quarters and disturb his captain’s rest, Spock decided to question Dr. McCoy about the shirt. He’d first thought to get Nyota’s opinion on the matter but then recalled Nyota did not wish to speak to him since their breakup. Spock suspected she would not be amenable to discussing Jim.

Dr. McCoy was attending to an injured ensign when Spock arrived in the medbay.

Spock stopped. “I will return at a more convenient time, doctor.”

McCoy frowned. “I’m done here, Spock. What is it you want?”

“Can we speak in a more private location?”

“Sure. Come on.” McCoy led him toward his office and then indicated Spock should have a seat. “You sick?”

“No, doctor. I am not suffering from any ailments at present.”

“Okay then. Spill your guts.”

Spock grew alarmed. “Why would I spill my guts?”

McCoy frowned. “It means tell me what ails you.”

“I have already said I am not—”

“Spock, why are you here?”

“I wish to discuss Captain Kirk.”

McCoy shook his head. “His health information is private, Spock. Unless it interferes with command.”

“I had not intended to discuss specific health issues, doctor. However, since you have mentioned it, may I infer there is an issue with the captain’s health?”

The doctor sighed. “Get on with it, Spock. You’re giving me a headache.”

“The captain is resting in my quarters due to some illogical ill feelings he has developed for his own quarters,” Spock said.

“Yeah, he commed and told me.”

“I was obtaining personal items for his comfort from his own quarters and came upon a strange item.”

McCoy stared at Spock, his eyes wide, and buried his head in his hands. “Please tell me you’re not asking me about a sex toy.”

Spock blinked, unable to speak for several seconds. “You refer to a toy used for sexual stimulation?”

“Gack.”

“I assure you that is not the item I am referring to.”

“Thank God.” The doctor lowered his hands but he was still red. “What item then?”

“A uniform shirt formerly belonging to me. Specifically the one I had been wearing when attacked on the planet, Ulda.”

“Okay. And?”

“I can find no logical reason for the captain to have my damaged shirt.”

Dr. McCoy smirked. “No, huh?”

“Negative.”

“Why do you think that is, Spock?”

“I do not know.”

McCoy rolled his eyes. “If there’s no logical explanation, Spock, don’t you think that means the explanation is illogical?”

Spock nodded. “Yes. Which is why I came to you, doctor. You are the most illogical human I am acquainted with.”

“Are you trying to insult me?”

“To state a fact is not an insult, doctor.”

McCoy sighed. “Why do I bother? I’m not going to help you figure out why Jim has an old uniform shirt of yours, Spock.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s something you need to figure out for yourself.”

“It is relevant to my friendship with the captain?”

McCoy smiled a little. “Very relevant, actually. Now if you will excuse me, I have some medical reports to do.”

Spock nodded and stood. He should have known any interaction with the doctor would have been unsatisfactory.

He returned to his quarters, being careful to make as little noise as possible. He intended to meditate further on the paradox that was Jim Kirk.

Spock found the captain sleeping on his stomach, his brows furrowed as though in concentration or pain. Spock did not like it, so he gently touched his fingers to the captain’s brows, smoothing them out with a projection of serenity. Kirk sighed in his sleep but his brows relaxed and his expression turned peaceful.

Momentarily satisfied, Spock turned to meditation. 


	15. Hope

When Jim opened his eyes, he was surprised to see Spock standing beside the bed gazing down at him. He blinked rapidly. “What?”

“There is no need for you to get up, Captain,” Spock assured him. “You may continue your rest.”

Jim scrunched up his nose. “Bones said I could do light duty.”

Spock nodded. “Your PADD is on my desk and you may use my terminal. There are reports requiring your attention. If you desire, I will get your breakfast before I report to the bridge.”

Jim sat up and rubbed the back of his neck. “Actually, Spock, I appreciate everything, really, but I think it’s time I got out of your hair.”

“You are not in my hair.”

“You know what I mean. Jesus, I’m too old to be unable to sleep in my own bed. It’s ridiculous and we both know it. I’m gonna get a shower, grab my PADD and go back to my own quarters. But really…thank you. You’ve been awesome.”

Spock did not look exactly happy with Jim’s decision but he didn’t look unhappy either. Damn Vulcan.

Jim smiled and walked past Spock to grab his PADD. “You need anything from me from the bridge, let me know. Bones is a worry wart. I’m sure I could handle the bridge if needed.”

Spock inclined his head. “That will not be necessary, Captain. I would prefer you recover from your recent injuries.”

“Okay. See you later, Spock,” Jim called over his shoulder as he headed into their shared bathroom.

After taking care of his hygienic needs, Jim returned to his quarters and dressed in his uniform. He got himself coffee and sat behind his desk and got to work. Really he was too busy to be bothered by any ghosts of Hendorff he’d previously imagined in his room. Well, not literally.

A few hours later though, Jim found himself incredibly tired and decided a short rejuvenating nap might be in order. He rose from behind his desk and walked over to the bed. He shook his head at his own foolishness but then turned and went to the chest of drawers and removed Spock’s uniform shirt.

Okay, so Spock hadn’t said a word about Jim having it. Maybe he’d gotten lucky somehow and Spock had missed it. Surely the Vulcan would have said something to him if he had.

But if he was going to sleep in here by himself he was going to take a little bit of Spock to bed with him. Sure, it made him stupid and weak, but if no one knew it but him, it was okay, right?”

Jim sighed and laid on his bunk, holding the shirt next to him.

_You killed me. It was your fault. I gave my life to save you. You’re an idiot. Why’d I even bother saving you? Stupid farm boy._

_No. No, I—_

Jim was shaken awake.

“Captain, wake up. Jim.”

Jim let out a shuddered breath and sat up in his bunk. He rubbed his face with his hands. “Sorry. Sorry.”

“Why do you apologize?” Spock asked, staring down at him, his brown eyes unreadable.

“Did I disturb you?”

“Negative. I am still on shift. I came to check on you. You were having a nightmare.”

“Yeah.” Jim exhaled, rubbed his face again. Then he looked down at his lap and saw Spock’s uniform shirt laying across him. _Oh shit_. His gaze rose to Spock’s and it was unmistakable. Spock was looking directly at the shirt.

Jim felt his face heat with shame. “I…uh…I can explain.”

“I would like to listen.”

Jim swallowed heavily. “I know I should have gotten rid of it. You know before. It’s just…it…smelled like you and I just—” He stopped babbling when his throat closed around a lump and he felt the ridiculous prick of tears.

“Jim,” Spock said gently.

He shook his head rapidly. “I’m so tired. I’m just so tired.”

Then Spock was kneeling in front of him, grabbing Jim’s hands and holding them in an almost too tight grip. Jim couldn’t look at him. He was barely holding it together as it was.

Spock freed a hand and cupped Jim’s jaw. “I want you to return to my quarters to rest. You are doing too much. I will speak to Dr. McCoy about your needing more recuperation.”

“No, but I—”

“Jim,” Spock spoke in that same gentle, soft voice. “I share your feelings.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “You…you what?”

“Do not be distressed. I will help you to sleep without the nightmares.”

“How?”

“I can soothe your mind. But I want you closer. With me. For now you will stay in my quarters. When you are feeling better, we will sleep here together.”

Jim stared at Spock. “We?”

“Yes. You will trust me?” Spock pulled him up to stand, still grasping Jim’s hands.

Jim searched his gaze, relieved by the warmth and affection Spock allowed him to see. “Yeah, yeah I will.”

And Spock brought Jim back to his own quarters to rest and he found he didn’t need the shirt with Spock there.


	16. Together

Jim woke well rested. In fact, he had not slept this well in…he didn’t know actually. But he was also hot. Spock really did keep his quarters too warm.

Spock was nowhere to be found, so Jim went into the bathroom to take a shower.

When he came out wrapped in only a towel, he saw that a cup of coffee had been set on the desk alongside a plate of eggs and potatoes. He smiled at Spock’s thoughtfulness.

“Spock?” Even as he spoke the name he saw Spock sitting in his meditation area. “Oops. Sorry, Spock. I’ll be quiet.”

Jim pulled on his uniform pants and his black undershirt, then sat behind Spock’s desk and proceeded to eat the breakfast and drink the coffee. While Spock continued to meditate, Jim pulled up his reports on Spock’s terminal. He got so involved in the reports, it wasn't until Spock’s cool fingers touched the back of his neck that he looked up.

Jim smiled. “All done?”

“Yes.” Spock hesitated. “Jim?”

His smile slipped just a little but he wasn’t sure if Spock noticed. “Yeah?”

“There is much we should discuss,” Spock said quietly.

Jim licked his dry lips. “Such as?”

“Our mutual regard.”

Jim exhaled slowly. “Well. What is there to discuss really? I like you. You like me. It’s all good.”

Spock stared at him silently for a full minute. “It is more than mere like for both of us, is it not?”

“I don’t know. Do we have to put a label on it?” Jim fidgeted nervously. This was the part he dreaded. He dreaded it with anyone really, and it surprised him a  bit that he dreaded it with Spock, but maybe it was because no one was as important to him as Spock.

Spock sat on the edge of the desk and peered down at him. “You are afraid.”

“No,” he denied, even though he knew he wasn’t fooling either of them.

“Jim, what do you fear?”

Jim shook his head. “Nothing.”

Spock’s fingers reached out to touch his cheek. “I feel your apprehension whenever I touch you. I would ease your distress.”

“You-you won’t want to be with me when you learn all there is to know.” Jim swallowed. His throat hurt, burned with shame.

“You are wrong, Jim. I know all I need to know and I find myself only fascinated and enamored.”

“I’m a terrible person,” Jim whispered. “I should never have been with Hendorff. I was his captain. It was so inappropriate on so many levels. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“You were lonely.”

“That’s no excuse to destroy someone else.”

“Jim, perhaps the time he spent with you was happy for him.”

“I don’t know.”

“And you never will. You cannot know, you can only hope, for that is all we have sometimes.”

Jim smiled a little. “Did that come from a Vulcan?”

“Indeed. What other horrible things have you done?”

“Too many to name,” Jim said softly. He couldn't meet Spock’s too perceptive gaze.

Spock straightened from the desk and pulled Jim up to his feet. “Come.”

“Where are we going?”

“To bed.”

“Uh.”

Spock arched a brow. “If you will not believe my words, I will show you.”

“You want to—to…you and me?”

“Why would I not? Sometimes it is all I can think of.” Spock inched his fingers under Jim’s black shirt and splayed them out of the bare skin there. “I feel your fear, your anxiety, yes, but I also feel your love, your lust, your desperation. As I said…I share your feelings.”

Jim bit his lip and shook his head even as he couldn't help the moan that escaped his lips as Spock pushed his shirt further up his torso, his hands continuing their exploration. “But…since when? You didn't before, did you?”

“Lift up your arms,” Spock ordered and when Jim did so, he pulled Jim’s shirt off over his head. “When I discovered my want, my need, my desire, my affection for you…it does not matter. It is here, within me.”

Jim’s breath hitched as Spock’s fingers grazed his nipples. He was pushed down onto the bed and Spock was undoing the fastenings of his pants. God, was this really going to happen? He was in a bit of a daze, which was so unlike him. Part of him wondered if Spock saying all these things, doing all these things was just a dream. He’d wanted it to be real for so long and now—

Spock pulled Jim’s pants and boxers off him until Jim lay naked on Spock’s bed. Jim watched Spock removing his own clothes which completely heightened his own arousal as he slipped his hand over his hardening cock and began to stroke himself.

With Spock naked, and damn he was fucking hot, Jim thought, his mouth practically watering, he knelt on the bed next to Jim. Spock lowered himself to Jim, his lips just above Jim’s. He could feel Spock’s warm breath ghosting over his skin.

“You once kissed me while intoxicated,” Spock whispered.

“Yeah.” Jim nodded. His chest constricted. “I loved you so much.” Suddenly he’d forgotten about not wanting to put labels on it. “You were so damn unattainable. And no matter who I…I tried to be with…it was just never enough. It wasn't you and I think—I think my heart was dying a little.”

“Kiss me now.”

Jim cupped the back of Spock’s neck and pulled him down until their lips were crushed together, intensely, deeply. He moaned a little and their lips parted and Jim’s tongue thrust into Spock’s hot, mouth.  

Spock devoured him, the kiss deepening still, his hands skating everywhere over Jim’s bare skin. He rose in an attempt to feel more of Spock, everywhere.

“Spock, Spock, please. Please.”

Jim didn't even know where Spock came up with it but suddenly Spock’s slicked fingers were filling him, scissoring inside him. He’d gone without since…well since…never mind. He didn't want to think about that while he had Spock.

“Oh, God, oh God,” he gasped when Spock’s long fingers brushed his prostate. “Spockkkkkkkkkkk.”

His Vulcan rose above him then, spreading Jim’s legs, wrapping them around Spock’s waist, and then pushing into him with such gentle thoroughness Jim figured if he died right then it would be okay. With Spock.

Spock thrust hard, thrust deep, and Jim reveled in it, pushing up to meet each powerful push inside him. Jim grasped his cock, sliding his fist up the length even as his ass was pounded over and over again.

“Jim,” Spock groaned as he suddenly sped up, gripping Jim’s hipbones in a bruising grip. “Ashaya.”

The sounds from Spock sent Jim over the edge and his balls pulled tight,  cum spurting all over his fist and splattering Spock. His Vulcan followed him after, emptying into Jim.

For a long time, they just lay together after, wrapped in each other’s arms. Jim drifted in and out of consciousness until eventually Spock stirred.

“I have to go to the bridge soon,” Spock told him. “Dr. McCoy has excused you for another day.”

“I’m okay for duty.”

“No doubt, but I would rather you rested one more day. Will you? For me?”

Jim sighed and closed his eyes. “All right.”

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“You have had these feelings for me for a long time, have you not?”

Jim laughed. “Yeah. A long time.”

“Why did you not say something?”

“Because I gave up,” Jim explained softly. “You were with someone else. I had to respect that. I gave up that you would ever return my feelings.”

“I am sorry.”

“Not your fault. You love who you love. And I tried, you know, I really tried not to let it get to me.” He shook his head. “You see how successful I was. God, Spock, I’m really fucked up.”

Spock’s arms wrapped tighter around him. “You will refrain from self-abasement.”

“Will I?”

“Affirmative.” Spock released him and sat up. He looked down at Jim. “I would bond with thee.”

“Bond?”

“Yes. We would go to New Vulcan and be bonded in the way of my people.”

Jim leaned up on his elbows. “Are you proposing?”

Spock’s lips twitched. “I suppose that I am. Do you accept or will I have to resort to begging?”

“Begging? Isn't that un-Vulcan-like?”

“Indeed.”

Jim swallowed, suddenly anxious. “I don’t know, Spock. Isn't that like really serious and permanent?”

Spock nodded.

“Are you—are you sure? I mean, this is me, Spock. Are you sure?”

Spock took Jim’s hands in his. He rubbed his thumb across Jim’s wrist. “I am sure, ashaya.”

“What is that? I think I've heard it.”

“It means love. You are my love, Jim.”

It was difficult to get the words out with his throat clogging with too many emotions, but Jim tried. For Spock, he could try. “I would bond with thee.”


End file.
